D's 14th Annual Oscar Wrap Up

You should know before you read this -- I am not feelin' it this morning. For SOME reason, I am not really in the mood to dish about gowns and such. Maybe it was Slumdog's victory that took the wind out of my sails. Maybe it was the fact that the Oscar people allowed Zack Effron and Vanessa Hudgins to interrupt the AMAZING Beyonce. Also note, I am not going to waste time looking up the proper spelling for any of the proper names of celebs or designers -- deal with it! But I will solider through for you . . . my adoring friends and fans.

Last night we were treated to a new format for the Oscars, and I loved it. In particular, the new way they awarded Best Actor/Actress awards. The suspense associated with which talent among the many past winners will land on stage. The often personal messages from these accomplished actors were awesome to watch. That said, where was recent Grammy winner and Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson? I would loved to have seen her as one of the five former best supporting actress winners. Maybe that would have been too scene-stealing.

My second favorite moment of the evening (stayed tuned for my top and my third favorites!), was Shirley Maclaine's comments to a clearly overwhelmed and touched Anne Hathaway (have I mentioned yet how much I love that girl?). I don't know how she was able to remain as composed as she did, hearing the fabulous Shirley heap praise upon her. I just love Shirley for her amazing abilities as an actress. She marches to the beat of her own drummer, and she makes no apologies for it. She's Hollywood royalty, and it was just a fantastic moment.

Sexiest man alive, Hugh Jackman, last night's host, performed beautifully. First of all, he's absurdly handsome. Like, perfect. And on top of it, the boy can sing and dance his a*s off! Second, he is not a comedian, but I thought he delivered his lines well. I am sure the critics will pan him for something, but I enjoyed it. And who knew Anne Hathway could sing????!!! I wasn't aware I could love her any more, but I do. She can actually sing. Granted, the number was a bit hokey and staged, but it kinda worked. I didn't like the dress she changed into for the number (and those shoes were HIDEOUS -- 10 bucks said her stylist made a trip to PayLess to pick up those ugly little numbers).

The Oscars just LOOKED good last night -- the stage, the tone, and the creativity displayed last night were really beautiful and modern. It just felt special . . . or the Rose Kennedys and the fun I was having with my friends clouded my my judgment. It may have dragged a bit (once again, i raise the same objection I've raised for years -- cut the meaningless awards. Just have a five minute segment, where all those people come out on stage and are announced as the winners), and maybe there was too much dancing -- I'm all for a little dancing now and again, but there's such a thing as too much.

E!'s coverage continued it's remarkable streak . . . another mind-numbing, soul-stealing series of vapid interviews, demonstrating, once again, that I should hosting the red carpet for E!. These dummies are PAID to do this stuff, and they know less about these celebrities and an actors than any of us. I mean, come on. Invest in your jobs a little. Exhibit some interest in learning about your interview subjects. And the Barbara Walters show?? Jonas Brothers?! Look, I realize, I'm not supposed to get them. I am not their target market -- I have ears and an appreciation for good music. But they are not fascinating in any way. I know she produces this special every year -- it's tradition. But if that's your line up -- I suggest putting on a re-run of Desperate Housewives -- or here's a thought: air the final episode of Dirty Sexy Money (scoff if you will, but that show was fabulous!!).

And since we are talking about Babs, let's all take a moment to commiserate on how amazing that woman looks. She's what, 90? And she is so spry and active. Who is her plastic surgeon? Get his or her name and give it to Mickey Rourke, Joan Rivers, Leeza Gibbons (um, have you seen her???!! OH. MY. GAWD. She looks like Mickey Rourke with boobs. It's a horror show! Google a recent picture of her if you haven't seen her. I mean, I'd hide if I were her). Somehow Babs remains human-looking, soft, almost like she hasn't had any work done. Even when she is on "The View," sitting next to Elizabeth Hassle-monster, she looks good. She really does. Bravo Babs. Bravo.

I cannot believe we are so many paragraphs into this, and I have not railed against Sumdog. I've tried to see what so many others see in this picture. I really have. But I can't. And I am well aware that this cheese is standing alone. Well, not alone; I know five other people who feel the exact same way I do about this film. I am so excited that the Oscars are over, and perhaps everyone can stop talking about this film. I'm sick of everyone. Dev, Fritto, Danny Boyle, Tigger bouncing, the horrible music. All of it. Over it. My fear is that just like the Octo-mom story, this talk won't go away. If I never heard another word about either Octo-mom or Slumdog, I'd been a very happy man. If you enjoyed the film, I am thrilled for you. So many otherwise intelligent, interesting people saw it and loved it. To me, it was a decent film, not spectacular. I'd figured the movie out within ten mins of sitting down. It didn't draw me in. I pay money to be entertained or drawn into a story. Slumdog did neither. All this hoopla over a very average piece of work. It's disrespectful to the far superior films that were nominated. Wooden performances, predictable storylines, cheesy love-story. Yuck. I sooner eat a three course meal of peas, lima beans, and butter beans than see that mess again. And to know me is to know I LOATHE legumes. Ugh.

So who dazzled last night?

Taraji P. Henson -- I love this girl, and she just seems real and cool. And girlfriend knows how to get dressed up. Work girl!

Viola Davis (Reem Ackra). let's face it. Sister ain't a pretty gal. But she looked amazing last night in gold Reem Ackra. Her worst accessory? That dude she was with -- was that the former lead singer of Cameo???!!! That haircut was horrendous.

Alicia Keys -- this homophobe (and I believe it is from a place of self-hatred, that's all I'm sayin') rarely gets any plaudits from me. Except for that song "No One" -- it's incredible. But she's generally a fashion nightmare. A stylist's best friend, she (apparently) will wear ANYTHING they tell her to wear -- without questioning it. This generally results in her looking like a clown. But last night it all came together, and she looked amazing. But as my dad always says, "even a blind squirrel can find an acorn every once in awhile."

Diane Lane : God's she's gorgeous. She always looks great, and it doesn't hurt that she's got Josh Brolin on her arm!

Sarah Jessica Parker. You know I love her. And God blessed her with the most amazing body ever. Additionally, she's a wonderful actress. She really is. Further, she's a fashionista, and I applaud her willingness to play and take risks. She was almost PERFECT last night. Almost. Her's a tip -- an open letter of sorts -- to Sarah and all women who have long, unattractive noses (you listening Bird-Beak Cruz?!!!). NEVER wear your hair parted in the middle. It just makes your nose seem even larger. Side part. Side parts are you friend. But otherwise she was a vision. I don't normally like frothy dresses (wait 'till you read what I have to say about Miley Suck-ass and Bird-face Cruz), but this worked.

But let's take a moment to discuss Matthew Broderick. What happened? It looks like he ate Nathan Lane. Or a small village in Africa. Does the man ever get into natural sunlight? Poor chap. Age can be so cruel.


All Hail The Queen! Latifah -- big, toned, beautiful, and elegant. Go girl. I loved her singing "I'll Be Seeing You," but here's a little secret. That's the one "tweak" I didn't like. Here's why. I love the "In Memoriam" portion of every award show. I like the big dramatic music. And I like to get a little choked up as they review the many folks who passed. it's a guilty pleasure. A quiet little moment of self-indulgence. The Queen sang beautifully, but it distracted me from the "In Memoriam" montage. I wanted to concentrate on both the montage and her performance, and I couldn't.

Anne Hathaway: Best of the night. In Armani Prive, that dress was DY- NO- MITE!!!!!! Stunning from front and back - love that jeweled buckle on the top of the back. My guess, that dress cost 60K. But not everyone can pull that dress off. You have to be able to work it. And boy did she work that dress. Man. Incredible.

Angelina Jolie : FINALLY, she showed up looking like she she should. STUNNING. Black Elle Saab gown-- stunning. Emerald jewels -- I could barely take my eyes off of them. Makeup -- perfect. Hair -- flawless. She wins second place for best dressed. I know Team Aniston has more members than Team Jolie, but don't hate. Appreciate. She's devastatingly gorgeous. She and Brad smoldered last night. But their refusal to do substantive interviews annoys me. I'm kinda over it.

Meryl Streep -- regal, lovely. She needed better jewels -- and a necklace.

Amy Adams -- I know some don't agree, but I loved the complication of the necklace AND the dress. She looked fantastic, with a bit of edge. Loved it.

Rachel Wood -- She'll get flack for being so fair and wearing that color dress -- i don't care. She looked amazing.

Tina Fey -- I love Tina. And I don't mind that she always wears black. But she bowed to pressure, but she made the bow a graceful one. Wow she looked AMAZING last night (maybe it was Herve Leger?) . THAT was an Oscar dress. Man, oh man.

Natalie Portman -- gorgeous in pink. Luminous.

Robin Wright Penn -- I never thought she was a great beauty when she was younger, but man she is getting better with age. She looked stunning last night.

Brad Pitt/Daniel Craig -- both classic and excellent;. Bravo!

Tilda Swinton -- perfection. Lanvin is tough to pull off on the red carpet, and she literally looked like she walked off the catwalk. Note, there are FEW people that can pull that outfit off. So please, do not run to Bergdorf's or Neiman's to buy the top and skirt. Chances are, unless you are 5'9" with a stick figure, you can't make that work. As the world's most annoying E! correspondent would say (congrats Juliana DiPandi -- you're no longer the MOST annoying! You can thank Jay -- I'm a tragic queen stuck in the mid 90s with my frosted hair and dour personality --Manuel for that), she was VERY editorial! Strong. Fierce. Elegant.

Halle Berry -- Go girl. What baby? Better than ever.

Angelica Houston -- what time machine did she sit in? Holy snikeies!!!! She looked wonderful!!! Fresh off her amazing guest-starring role on NBC's Medium last year (and unfortunately, the death of her husband) she looked 20 years younger. Good for her!!!

Now, who bombed?

Jessica Biel -- Um, why was that skank even there? That Prada gown was HORRIBLE, yet she made it even worse by pairing it with black satin pumps? Closed toe, black, satin, cobby-cuddler, pumps. WHAT on earth was she thinking? During the current economic downturn those who CAN should be spending money -- by not paying a stylist, make-up artist, or hair-stylist I am ready to place Jessica along side Bernie Madoff, greed, etc as reasons for our failed economy! Come off the duckets sister, and get some professional help. Just because Justin Timberlake clearly has a thing for horsey-faced girls, doesn't mean the rest of us do. Yuck. Rihanna looked better after Chris Brown got done with her in that car. Do us all a favor, disappear. Come back when you've had a shower, ran a comb through that nest, and learned how to apply make-up. Go ahead, have the nose-job Jennifer Grey had. It worked for her! (did you see HER on the red-carpet -- AMAZING!!! I for one am glad she got that nose-job that made her look like a different person -- she needed that! And so does Jessica.)

Penelope Cruz -- Bird-beak strikes again. Another disgusting red-carpet appearance. I'm not surprised. This woman often appears as though she dressed in the dark, and that sad trend continues. That dress was HORRIBLE. Vintage Balhmain (sp?) . Who cares.! It shoulda been burned 59 years ago instead of saved. Looking like a giant, moldy cake, Bird-beak won an Oscar. What a shame. Now she must be referred to as Academy Award winning, former Tom Cruise "love interest" (hold the laughter), favorite Beard, Penelope "Bird Beak" Cruz. Ugh.

Kate Winslett -- I love Kate, as an actress and a person. Well, I don't know her personally. But she seems great, and I've heard she's really quite cool. This award show season has been wonderful for her, and she's looked great accepting all of her awards. But this YSL disappointed. Great color. And from the neck up -- flawless. Another disappointment -- her father -- why the hell was he dressed as Zoro??!!! Did someone tell him the show was a costume party?

Jennifer Aniston -- I have a complicated relationship with Maniston. I LOVE her on screen. Love her. She's a delight. I've never seen a film with her (or a tv show) that I didn't fall in love with her on screen. And recently, she changed her hair and dropped the middle part in favor of a side part. Great! The dress was awesome. Her hair? HOT. MESS. What was she thinking with that braid? Clearly her hairstylist hates her. I mean, she's presenting at the Oscars, in front of Brad and Angie -- she needed to look her most ravishing best. Send the message "Brad who?! I am 40 and FABULOUS." Instead, she was stuck with mindless, Bruce Vallance patter, with a piece of rope across her forehead, and that talentless hack Jack Black (note to Jack: DUDE, you are NO Artie Lang). If you looked carefully, her face just continued to fall during each agonizing second she was on stage. Poor Jen. It didn't help that Angie showed up looking amazing last night.


Frida " the little frito" Pinto -- Yes, she is gorgeous. No question. But that gown was awful. Terrible. An all-around F. Who told her to buy her Oscar gown at "Charlotte Russe?" I know it was Galliano, but I'm thinking it wasn't John Galliano. Instead it was his mentally challenged, and legally blind younger brother Corky Galliano. That would explain everything. That said, of hat whole annoying "Slumdog" crew, she's the ONE I like. She actually seems sweet and cool.

Zack Gayfron -- I don't get this kid. Nor do I understand why so many people I know are obsessed with him. I just don't get it. Last night, the hair was wrong. The bow tie was wrong. The tux was wrong. It was just all wrong. Hot effin' mess.

Mickey Rourke -- Jesus. Really? A white suit? Come on dude. I know his doggie just passed (and lord knows I feel horribly for him), but there's no excuse. What would have surprised us is if he'd shown up with a hair cut (or at least combed), a classic tux, an actual tied tie, and white shirt. Enough with the homeless chic look.

Beyonce -- this really hurts me. Really and truly. What the HELL was she thinking?! I was sitting next to my buddy Mark when she appeared on the red carpet. The room broke into laughter, and he said, "that's gotta be from that horrible clothing line she started with her mother." I said, "it's bad dude, but my girl knows better than to hit a red-carpet with some piece of crap from House of Dereon." I awoke this morning to learn -- that dress WAS by House of Dereon. Damn it B?! Come on! You're killing me. Plus, that dress was an assault on the eyes. it was even worse than Bird-beak-Beard-Cruz's dress. I am despondent.

Phillips Seymor Hoffman: Look, what is this guy to do? He's a over-weight, unattractive slob who happens to be a brilliant actor. Here's what you do. GET A HAIR CUT. Don't wear a knit cap. Wear a white formal shirt (another open letter to men generally -- black tuxedo, black shirt -- no tie. And you have to look like Brad, Daniel Craig, High Jackman etc to pull it off. If you aren't hot, this ain't the look for you. Black tux, black shirt, black tie. NO. Under NO circumstances. Ever. It's just wrong. It's been done, and overdone. It looks absurd. ). Bathe. Have your pants hemmed. realize that doc martins don't go with a tux. Thank you.

Marissa Tomei -- Awful. Hair, Versace dress, make up -- awful. Her date was her only good accessory! She just can't get it right. Poor baby.

My favorite moment of the evening? Sean Penn's acceptance speech (he was dressed horribly though). He's a brilliant actor, and I thought his speech was fantastic. As was Dustin Lance Black's speech (writer for MILK). My third favorite --- BEYONCE. Out of that disgusting gown, and in a hot red number -- WORK GURL. WORK!!! "You're the one that I want" has NEVER been sung better. Frankly, I'd pay money to listen to her gargle, so I might be a tad biased.

That's all folks!