Golden Globes In Review

For the benefit of those that did not get this email on Monday afternoon -- my Golden Globe wrap-up/fashion review! Now in its 13th year! I love awards show season!

Excuse the typos etc -- it was a quickly composed and dashed-off missive. I'm not paid to do this! I am just trying to make my friends laugh!

Hey Kids! Another year, another Globes. And what a Globes it was. As I've said in past commentaries, the rises of stylists has made my job harder. There are fewer complete misses as there have been in years past. No worries, Detail Dart is on the case -- there's plenty to discuss.

Let me start with this -- the top item on my list of things to do this week? See SLUMDOG. And not for the reasons you might think. Well, if you know me, you'll know why. Here's the deal. "Slumdog" is this year's "Little Miss Sunshine." A few years ago, "LMS" earned raves from around the world, so imagine my shock when I finally slogged to the theatre to see it -- let's just say I was underwhelemed. Granted, I enjoyed it. Was it worth all the buzz -- no. And before anyone who has consumed the "Slumdog" kool-aid begins protesting, let me remind you that at least three people who were screaming and carrying on about "LMS" are now screaming about "Slumdog." Fool me once. . . . Stay tuned. I will eat a plate of peas if it turns out I love "Slumdog." And I WILL go into this with an open mind. Promise. That said, I am going to have to force myself to go because the very premise of the film is one that I would take a pass on under ordinary circumstances. A love story centered around "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." Um, 1997 is calling -- it wants its script back. Nothing about it appeals to me (and that same sentiment goes for "The Wrestler" -- watching a surgically disfigured Mikey Rourke and a topless Marisa Tomei is not my idea of a fun way to spend two hours. To say nothing of back-drop of the film -- "professional" wrestling. I'd rather shoot myself with dog poo than watch wrestling and pad Vince McMahon's pockets -- but I digress). But I am going to go so that I can speak authoritatively about the nominated films (and those films and performances that SHOULD have been). Having seen most of the other films, I'd be hard pressed to believe that Slumdog could come close to the majesty of "Ben Buttons," the brilliance of "Doubt," the gut-wrenching beauty of "Revolutionary Road," or the inspirationally fantastic "Milk."

But enough highbrow, let's get to the good stuff: the sartorial highs and lows of the Hollywood elite. Last night was a big night for six things:1) 30 Rock (yay!); 2) Slumdog (no comment); 3) the designer J. Mendel (what a night!); 4) the mermaid silhouette; 5) gorgeous statement necklaces; and regrettably 6) Rachel Zoe. It is this last item that troubles me the most. As a closeted devotee of Bravo's "The Rachel Zoe Project," I've gotten to "know" Ms Zoe and her annoying butt-part hairdo. One of the things I've learned from the show (other than the incredibly annoying phrase, "that'sssss . . .bananas."), is that Rachel's brand of "styling" involves making her victims, I mean CLIENTS, look as much like her as possible. This wouldn't be a bad thing if Rachel looked like Halle Berry, Megan Fox, or Charlize Theron, but folks, let's face it (ha ha! face), that ain't a face or a look you want starring at you from the cover of US Weekly while you are in line at the grocery. Or prancing down a red carpet. Or walking down the street. It's a face and look you expect on a WANTED poster. Let me start with this: when will folks learn that the butt-part hairdon't doesn't look good on ANYONE -- even Charlize or Halle. Unless your nose is the size of a dime, this hairdon't frames your face to accentuate your schnoz. It makes it's wearer look like the Wicked Witch of the West -- sans the green skin and warts (hopefully!). Pair that with those six inch deep crop lines across Rachel's forehead and you've got a REAL. Hot. Mess. Much to my horror (but secret, sick delight) Rachel's influence was everywhere. Much like UGGs or Crocs -- and not nearly as attractive. Only one of her clients (that I know of) escaped the ravages of it; Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. Demi, radiant in Christian Dior is a big client for Rachel (well, at least according to the show) and she did well by her. Actually, neither Rachel nor God can take credit for Demi's look -- but her surgeons can! Born a gorgeous gal, SHE is the poster child for plastic surgery. You look at Mickey Rourke and you think, "God really does have a sense of humor . . . I mean, I will never have a surgeons' knife touch my face!" But then you see Demi and you find yourself flying to your computer to Ask.com and typing the question "who is Demi Moore's plastic surgeon?"

The person who took the most horrifying Zoe-hit: poor Debra Messing. If you've been with me for awhile, you should remember when I would get so excited to see her on the red carpet. Each show was a bigger triumph than the last. Then, something happened. Something terrible. I remember her first red carpet "miss" -- I bet that's when RZ slithered into her life. With few exceptions, each red carpet appearance has been a glaring disappointment. The dress itself wasn't terrible -- although Vera Wang has done MUCH better work in the past --, but the hair and make-up were vintage Zoe. Why would anyone want to look like bag-lady Zoe? Debra: honey. Sweetie. Let's return to the days when you were making up for the non-existent boobies by being the hottest woman on the carpet -- those nappy curls were always tamed, blown straight, flat-ironed into full submission, and sleek. The make-up made you look like a modern day Rita Hayworth, and the gowns were always stunning. You've traded down sister. Leave homeless "chic" to the Zoester. I'll style you next year. For free!

Before I rail further, let me give some shouts out;Best Dressed Ladies:

Eva Longoria -- that is glamour. WOW.
Christina Applegate -- the newest member of the one boob club threw it down on the carpet last nite. She always looks so great. And ladies, if you are looking for a style icon -- watch her show "Samantha Who" (Monday's ABC at 9:00 -- she always looks fantastic, and a lot of her outfits are available at normal mall-based stores).
Maggie -- Jake's sister: she has NEVER looked better. Honestly, she's always good for a red carpet blunder, but this year she KILLED in Lanvin (also Kristin Scott Thompson in Lanvin). She looked amazing. AMAZING. And she handled the absurdly stupid questions about Heath Ledger (on both E! and NBC's red carpet coverage beautifully). Seriously, how hard is it to interview these people? This is their job, and you'd think these "correspondents" emerged from a cave to do the interviews. Who DIDN'T know that Sting was NOT NOMINATED for a Globe? Someonme get me Gaycrest's number. I guarantee you that my audition tape would ensiure Juliana DiPandi's return to obscurity (seriously, people, WHY does this woman still have a job???!!! Sophie's poo is more articulate and frankly way more attractive) .
Elizabeth Moss -- loved the 1950's cocktail dress in red. Very "Written on the Wind"
Kate Winslett -- absolutely stunning. I love her. And her performance in "Revolutionary Road" -- incredible.
Beyonce -- can you believe it took me this long to discuss her?! She was a complete knockout in Elle Saab (the designer popularized by Halle Berry for years -- a number of people sport him now). Did you see the necklace???!!!! I bet that's hers and it ain't borrowed. Jay-Z's got MAD money (and he's GOT to be coughing it up -- Together those two look like a kidnapping. I keep looking for the gun he is clearly got to her back. I mean, he is immensely talented and successful, but DAYUM! he's ugly. God. And she's one of the most beautiful women in the world and RICH and successful. She could do SOOOOO much better. Like yours truly! or more realistically, how about . . . um, anyone!
Anne Hathaway --- another favorite of mine, Anne positively glowed last night. The dress was killer. Perfect hair, perfect make-up. And her performance in "Rachel Getting Married" absolutely deserved a Globe nod.
Kate Capshaw (Spielberg's wife) - best she's ever looked. being rich really does mean you can look good. I don't know what Rachel Zoe's excuse is. . . .
Rachel Griffiths -- "the nose from down un-DAH" has always been a target of mine for her red-carpet mis-steps, but she really came to play last night.
Cameron Diaz -- I loved her look -- I am pretty sure that was Chanel. She coulda used a brush too.
Meghan Fox -- again, one of the hottest women ever born, was stunning in gold Armani
Jane Krakowski -- beautiful, old Hollywood.
Kate Beckinsdale -- someone saved her life and fed her. And thank God they did. Amazing J. Mendel dress. She's back baby!!!!
Laura Liney -- breee-zilllllli-ant actress and girlfriend looked her best ever. Amazing Elle Saab gown, and she looked stunning. Like sunshine.
January Jones -- (star of Mad Men and actress who most deserved to win her category) two words: Veronica. Lake.

And I know the person who will take the biggest beating from last night -- Renee Zellweger-- but. I am going to surprise you: I liked it. Not 100 percent, but I did like it. That gown (Carolina Herrera? or Chanel?) was TREMENDOUS. So old Hollywood. Made her look 10 feet tall and gave her boy-like figure some curves. I can see Joan Crawford, Gene Tierany, Rita, or a young liz taylor wearing this same gown back in their heydays. But it was modernized. Now, the hair was a mess. And make-up artists STILL haven't figured out a way to put this girl in make-up that doesn't make her look washed out, blotchy, and pale. That said, from the neck down -- I stand by the dress. Take your best shot.

Best Dressed Guy:
Simon Baker (smooth talker who beds Anne Hathaway's character in "Devil Wears Prada") was different, but gorgeous. Remember, "evening clothes" for men started as midnight blue. The Duke of Windsor himself fancied the midnight blue evening suit. Plus, when you look like that. . . Aaron Eckhart -- hawt.
Leo -- man. Man. For years this guy has demonstrated he's grown up and matured into one of our finest actors (move over Ed Norton), and he shows up at award shows looking every bit the classic Hollywood star. In Armani. Of course.
Brad -- in Tom Ford -- other than the fact that he needed to trim the goatee (those gray hairs can be unruly -- believe me -- I know), he looked great. But since Angelina showed up looking like she forgot to brush her hair . . . . (more on her later)
Terrence Howard: Good showing.
Tommy Cruise: Yeah, yeah, the guy is annoying. check. But he looked great last night. In HAND MADE Armani. First, that means he bought it. Second, how much do you think THAT cost??? Not Haute Couture. Hand woven, hand-made by Armani. Although I normally think double-breasted should be worn ONLY by men over 5'10", it somehow worked for Thomas.

Okay, enough praise. Now for the good stuff.

Poor Nancy O'Dell. I know she wanted to look different -- a different ray of light on the red carpet. Unfortunately, she looked different -- lovely. Lovely said like you would to a date who shows up to take you to a black-tie gala in a powder tuxedo (name the person who originally spoke that line for a prize!). But let me suggest this: someone should call Cher right now to have an emergency counsel meeting to revoke the gay cards of the queens who styled her for last night's show. I mean, really. Nancy seems nice. Why on earth would you make her look like . . well. . Rachel Zoe??!!! (Yup, it's Rachel's year!) So, so sad.

J Lo: two words sister: It's OV-VAH. Go back to Miami with Skeletor-Latino (Marc Anthony) and take care of those babies. Gold Marchesa. Hmm. It screamed "pay attention to me so I can feel somehow relevant!!!!" And it failed. Big time!
Drew Barrymore: I loved the dress. Loved it. And I know what her queens were going for with the hair -- they wanted Marylin Monroe. Sadly it was more Rose Nyland from the Golden Girls. Cotton candy. And I know her make-up artist is a black queen because he smothered her eyelids with that horrible, 'round-the-way-girl sky blue eye shadow. I mean, lord. And poor Jessica Lange. Age is so cruel.
Angelina. Look, I am on team Jolie -- that said, now that Jennifer Aniston lost the butt-part in favor of the side part, I MIGHT rethink things ( i do love Jen in movies) -- but seriously, that's the worst she's looked on the red carpet since she had her tongue down her brother's throat. I'm not even sure she knew she was going to be on tv. That drab grey dress. That "I lost a brush in here" hair. Yikes.

Ashton -- hey dude, Tom Jones from 1978 -- who told you that was hot? I know, I know -- Rachel Zoe. Damn, the b*tch strikes again.

Lawrence Fishburn -- um. No.
America Ferrera: honey, no need to attend award shows in character as Ugly Betty. I mean, that's the ugliest Oscar de la Renta cocktail dress I've ever seen. And she can't wear a butt-part either.

Eva Mendez -- she's just trash. I mean, she cursed on air (red carpet), acted like a total b*tch, and all of that ruined her otherwise perfect hair and make up (renee -- take a page), and a great dress -- but for that growth from the 80s on the right side.

As for the awards, did anyone notice that over 70% of the awards went to non-Americans? That's one. And before you fire up the hate mail, I simply NOTICED this -- I didn't say this was a bad thing. Two, Mickey Rourk's speech was disgusting. Disgusting, I tells ya. And his very appearance. I mean, honestly -- ooohhhh, oooooo it's his big comeback. Really? To what?!!! I don't recall a big push for films about The Elephant Man or Monsters? Other than a "Mask" remake, what can he possibly star in? A fun romantic comedy with Reese Witherspoon? Um, not so much. I will say this: he actually might benefit from Rachel Zoe's styling -- it can't get worse, can it? John Hamm from Mad Men was robbed of a repeat as "best actor in a series" award (he won last year). And Ana Pachyderm, I mean Pacquin, robbed the far more deserving Kyra Sedgwick (sister lost all her money in that Madoff scandal -- poor Baconwick (no? I'm trying it out). I LOVE Kyra in "The Closer" -if you aren't watching, TNT Jan. 26th) or January Jones. That show Ana's on -- "True Blood" -- is unwatchable (yeah, I know, the cheese stands alone here -- again), and other than the fact that she shows her boobs a lot, what is she bringing to the table?

Who was that eating-disorder skank who won for "Happy Go Lucky?" I could spend paragraphs on her, but that'd be like taking candy from a baby.

Tom Brokaw -- kudos for wearing velvet, but didn't it look like Tom was smuggling a turkey under that thing? Look, when my clothes don't fit, it's understandable. I am poor, and I don't appear on television (darn networks!). Tom's rich! A seamstress isn't too much to ask for, is it?

Paul Giamoti -- the perfect example of Hollywood's double standard. No woman that ugly is ever allowed on screen unless they are playing toothless, cockney hags. Or on Bravo's "The Rachel Zoe Project." And note to Paul -- I love him as an actor -- enough with the John Adams mutton-chops. The film wrapped a year ago. Also, belts are not to be worn with formal clothing.

Tracy Morgan -- this brand of humor doesn;'t sit well with me. Also, a white jacket is approprate post Easter, pre-labor day or in the tropics.

Only two weeks until the SAG wrap-up! Stay tuned!